


I don't wanna live forever, 'cause I know I'll be living in vain

by GoringWriting



Series: The Veil [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Episode: s04e01-02 The Darkest Hour, Hurt Merlin (Merlin), Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Merlin Needs a Hug (Merlin), POV Merlin (Merlin)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:34:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27639620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoringWriting/pseuds/GoringWriting
Summary: Merlin's POV to "In Secret" as he and Lancelot travel towards the veil.
Relationships: Lancelot/Merlin (Merlin)
Series: The Veil [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2020411
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39





	I don't wanna live forever, 'cause I know I'll be living in vain

Knowing that you're going to die and thinking that you're going to die may sound like similar emotional situations. But they are anything but. One has you looking at all the angles and searching for outs and one has you there, just waiting. You’ve already accepted that you are going to die. 

Which is why he tells Lancelot. His friend will be okay. He’ll watch over Arthur and keep him safe no matter what. Merlin’s story ends soon when he steps through the veil to give his life for Arthur. This time there will be no Nimueh to go back on her word. He’s not sure if he can beat the guardian in a fight, but why would he when he can walk through the veil and have this all ended with minimal danger to Arthur. 

But Lancelot, he deserves to know what will happen tonight. It will be too much for him, he’ll try to fight otherwise and that would ruin things. He doesn’t want anyone else to die before he can end the Dorocha. That would defeat the purpose and he doesn’t want that. He can’t have it. No one else will die before he can. 

Lancelot accepts his upcoming death as well as Merlin did. He commends Merlin on his bravery and Merlin shakes his head. It’s not bravery, it’s love. Love for the people of Camelot who are dying to these spirits. Love for the knights who are his friends and who will be in danger until this is over. And love for Arthur who will one day be a great King. 

Lancelot seems sad but accepting and Merlin is grateful. He’d like to be able to leave at least one of them conscious enough to protect Arthur once he walks through the veil. He knows Leon and Elyan will stay with Arthur, Percival will be ready to prevent Lancelot from doing something dumb and Gwaine and Arthur will be the ones doing something dumb. Percival and Lancelot will know that Gwaine and Arthur will try to do something to stop him and Lancelot will stop them. He knows he will. 

Because Merlin trusts him. 

Travelling back towards where the rest of them are is a solemn affair. Lancelot already seems to be mourning him and Merlin is tempted to kick him from his horse as a jest. But he doesn’t. Instead he considers Lancelot, and his feelings for him. 

Of course Merlin has feelings for his friend. He’s been in love with the man since he stood beside him against Morgana’s army to get to the cup of life. Then afterwards had ensured Merlin got at least credit for it. Lancelot had followed him, what he was certain was going to be death and stayed by his side in it. But he knows his friend doesn’t feel the same way. Perhaps if he did this would be harder. It’s easy to sacrifice yourself when you know people will eventually move on. Arthur has Gwen, as does Elyan. Gaius is used to losing the people he cares about and already knows his plan. Percival will be there for Lancelot and Gwaine, and he’s not as close to Leon as the others. 

At least he’ll get to see the beauty in the forests one last time. He’s always loved nature and this area of the forest is lovely. But Lancelot looks too sad to be in such a nice place and Merlin doesn’t want this. Doesn’t want his friend to be sad. 

Out of all of them Merlin has the least to lose. He’s the obvious choice. He knows Gwaine will stay if he tells him that is his dying wish and Lancelot will guard Arthur with his life as a true knight of Camelot. 

Merlin will miss all of them so much. Lancelot’s support, Gwen’s compassion, Elyan’s strength, Gwaine’s jokes, Percival’s calming presence, Leon’s loyalty to Arthur, and even miss Arthur being a prat. He’ll miss them all for so many reasons but he prays that he won’t see them for a long time. That they will all live to be as old as Gaius and have wives and children and grandchildren that Merlin can watch from the other side as they grow. Watch boys with Gwen’s smile and girls with Arthur’s eyes fighting girls with Lancelot’s smile. Boys with Gwaine’s flair for adventure and a daughter to whip her father and brother’s butts. Girls with soft brown hair sitting in the quiet with Percival. Boys with Leon’s eyes and girls with soft curls. Boys that will pull pranks on Gwen’s children much like the pranks Elyan played on her when they were young. 

Merlin wants to see it all. Wants to see his friends live perfect lives. 

He wants to see them happy. Even if he is not there with them. 

Before he knows it he’s facing off with the guardian of the veil. Gwaine has just been knocked out by her. Leon, Percival, and Elyan are back fighting the wyverns. It’s only Arthur, Lancelot, and Merlin and two of the three know what is going to happen. One doesn’t. 

Knocking Arthur out makes his magic feel slimy but he did what he had to do and he approaches the Guardian asking her to allow him to give himself to the veil. To keep Arthur alive and he steps away from his friends. He knows Lancelot will keep an eye on them. 

He’s begging the guardian to let him take his place and when she refuses Merlin is ready to do what he’s done with Nimueh, with Sigan, with Morgause, Morgana and any number of people who believed that they could hurt Arthur or Camelot. 

He’s ready to fight. 

Decades later he still remembers what she said to him. That his time amongst men was not over. No matter how much he wanted it to be and she looked over his shoulder with such sadness that Merlin has to turn. 

Lancelot is in front of the veil. 

He trusted him. 

Trusted Lancelot to watch their friends. 

Trusted him with the knowledge that Merlin would die. 

And his trust was betrayed. 

But then other thoughts. 

Lancelot is going to die. 

Lancelot is going to die because Merlin has a stupid destiny that can’t be stopped that can’t be prevented. 

Lancelot isn’t dying for Arthur, if he was he’d simply live and protect him. No, he’s dying for Merlin. For a servant who causes more harm than good sometimes. Who is clumsy and so terribly alone now. 

Lancelot smiles at him and Merlin wants to scream. Wants to beg Lancelot to come over to him so he can give him a kiss goodbye or something, anything before his friend is gone. 

He watches Lancelot vanish into the veil and he’s gone. The man Merlin loved is gone. Arthur’s knight is gone. The bravest and most noble is gone.

Lancelot is gone and all Merlin can do is scream no as he feels himself shaking apart. As he watches the Dorocha and the gatekeeper vanish and he is left alone with Arthur and Gwaine’s unconscious bodiesHe can’t let Arthur see him crying. He’s not sure what he would do if Arthur said something to him about crying. 

Arthur looks around fear on his face and then he seems to relax when his eyes land on him and then he seems to take in Merlin’s state and then he looks around again and he seems to notice that Lancelot is gone. The look on his face when he meets Merlin’s eyes again is heartbreaking and Merlin is feeling like his body is going to shake apart. 

Arthur moves and Merlin can’t help the flinch. But Arthur does nothing but wrap his arms around him and holds him together. The tears come and there’s nothing he can do to stop them. He tells him about what Lancelot did and how Merlin didn’t know he was going to do it and Arthur holds him and tells him it’s okay. 

He’s still sobbing when Arthur offers him two weeks off and Merlin shakes his head, he doesn’t want to be alone. He can’t be alone right now. He’s afraid if he’s alone he’ll break apart at the seams. Arthur calms him and offers him the time to go visit his mother, with Gwaine and Merlin nods because… his mom is the only one left who knows his secrets aside from Gaius and he really needs her comfort. 

And so right after the pyre is built to honor Lancelot he and Gwaine leave. Merlin won’t take the full time. He knows that. He can’t leave Arthur alone for that long and Merlin knows that eventually he’s going to have to plaster his smile to his face and the light in his eyes and pretend everything is better because protecting Arthur doesn’t just mean keeping him safe from physical threats. 

His mother understands. She knows what it’s like for a love to go somewhere you can’t follow and she knows what it is like to miss them with every breath you take and Merlin tells her about the different ways they both got into trouble and how he would always look out for Merlin. 

Merlin pretends that he doesn’t hear her praying for Lancelot’s peaceful journey into death for saving her son. 

He pretends that he doesn’t feel angry at Lancelot. For betraying him. For leaving him. Lancelot promised to stay but he lied. Lancelot left him. 

He promised he wouldn’t. 

But he did. 

The first time they saw each other Lancelot saved his life. The last time, feels like he ended it. 

But that will only be for a few more days. When he returns to Camelot his smile will be in place and his eyes will sparkle. He’ll be happy...or at least be pretending to be. 

And Lancelot will join the ranks of the other people in his life. Will, Freya, his Father, and soon Gaius and his mother. Eventually the only person Merlin will have left is Arthur. 

Just like Destiny wants. 

Lancelot became the latest in a long line of victims of destiny. Of people who Merlin thought he could be happy with. They won’t be the last. Destiny will continue to remove anyone Merlin grows close to in order to keep him on the right track. 

Merlin will be the last victim of destiny. Unable to see the people he cares about again because it’s not his time yet.


End file.
